To Brunch or Not to Brunch

Ah Brunch! A simple word that can wear the cloak of verb, noun or even adjective if you tried hard enough.. “OMG that cocktail is so brunch!” But the question of where to, how and when not to brunch always comes to mind. If one does brunch, where do you go? How do you know that’s where you should go? Can you bring your dog? What about the kids? I mean, really, who knew a non-shalant trip to the local watering hole for pancakes would turn into such a cultural plague of social cues and what-to-do’s.

Have no fear, we are here to “brunch” it down.. See what we did there?

1. Identifying the perfect brunch spot is no easy feat. Think of it as a military intelligence worthy mission with booze and food involved. The key points in finding said perfect spot is basic however: Location, Food, Booze, Service, and overall Appeal. These five points are your tick marks for nailing the brunch place of all brunch places, and being revered by your friends or saving your weekend festivities for years to come. Now, we’re going to keep this simple, but feel free to over-analyze and really ready into these.

2. Location: pick a point central to everyone (within reason). If Huck Finn lives out in the boonies, and everyone else resides in the suburbs, sorry Huck, catch a cab. Location of the venue is important though and it goes hand in hand with Service and how busy it is. A spot that’s too perfectly located, is well too perfect for everyone else not to go to, and there you have it, a two hour wait. If you plan to get down in cocktail town, factor this in when planning your cab route home, as a good location for brunch can save you quite a bit of change in Uber fees, which can instead be used for another mimosa, just sayin’.

3. Food: should be considered a no brainer, but you’d be surprised how many brunch locales are the talk of the town with mediocre meals and what some may consider appe-teasers. Make sure the food is good to go. Fresh, local, and sustainable are obviously the front runners, but keep in mind that not everyone goes to brunch for breakfast in a glass with bitters. You don’t want to pick your brunch with a place that only serves the basic omelet, pancakes, and hash, because let’s face it, you’re paying for the experience and experience comes with one of a kind eats and food porn.

4. Booze: as we talk smack about bitters, it’s time to delve into drinking points. If you plan to frequent your new Brunch spot often, and for the purpose of enjoying one too many mimosas for a delectable happy hour price, than you better make sure they know how to make a good drink. What’s the point of half-off Bloody Mary’s, $3 Mimosas, or 2 for 1 Greyhounds if they taste like watered down orange juice with a splash of flat club soda, just ew.
Now, once you’ve located aforementioned liquid horderves, lock in the deal by treating your bartender right. Common sense, maybe, but you’d be surprised. Think of your bartender as the mother of your newly born favorite child, who just gifted you the joys of poor jokes and afternoon dance moves. Instead of kissing them you tip them, and tip them well. Otherwise your next “cocktail child” may not be so adorable or win over your affection as easily. Take care of your new found bartender buddy, and they will do the same.

5. Service:
don’t hate the server, hate the rush hour. Brunch is popular okay. Hence, the reason for an article dedicated to appropriate use of the term brunch and how to brunch properly. So with that, keep in mind that you’re not the only cool cat with a plan to get down and dirty with Eggs Benny and a Bloody. Nine times out of ten, you will have a wait for brunch. That’s just the name of the brunching game (that’s outing with brunch, for those that didn’t catch it). Now, if the brunch bungalow in question is one of the more popular, hipster-frequented food banks, good luck-because you’re wait to worth ratio just got higher. What’s wait to worth ratio? Oh that’s a simple algorithm divulged to find what is the proper wait time to endure for an exceptionally amazing brunch experience. To calculate, factor all of the previous points of brunching and weigh in the typical wait time. For example, Banging Brunch Spot X has amazing food, service, booze and location but wait time is always at least an hour. (Add and subtract additional factors and formula anomalies like outside bar for waiting, current season, number of guests in party, etc) They have a full service bar for waiting guests and there’s only 4 of us with no children and no plans to hurry. The wait to worth ratio is GOOD to go! We brunch.


6. Appeal: You can use these check points to mark off for a perfect brunch endeavor, but nothing will make it perfect for you unless deep down in your warm brunchy brain, you love it because it fits you. That’s right, fits you like a glove. Like that perfect pair of spandex that you don’t let anyone else see, but that bond between you and those spanx is real. You should be able to walk into that brunch venue and feel like you’re at your weekend getaway home. Like an episode of Cheers, one day you will waltz into your brunch place and they all know your name, and your order (that’s when you’re really winning)!

7. Pick YOUR spot, and stick to it: The true key to a flawless brunching, is to have your spot. Remember the oldies show, Happy Days? Do you think the Fanz would ever roll up to a new random diner once a week? No, because that’s moronic and not how the Fanz does things, and neither should you. You can’t build a repertoire with a waitor, waitress, or more importantly, the bartender by mixing it up like you’re a black jack dealer at Vegas. Keep it consistent. Find an establishment that meets your quirky needs, with a killer drink menu, chill atmosphere, good eats (obviously) and an appropriate wait to worth ratio.

Are you ready to go out there and get your brunch on? We though so. Happy Brunching fellow Brunchers! (..see, so many uses of the word)

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